Having Much but Not Myself (pt.1)

How does one have so MUCH in their life but still feel so unfulfilled? Unsatisfied? Uncertain? 

So many people in their lives. People to talk to. People to hang out with. People to depend on. People to challenge you. An abundance of people. 

So many accomplishments in their lives. Graduated college. Found a job. Won many awards. Held numerous leadership positions. An overflow of accomplishments. 

So many experiences. Traveling all over the country. Trying new foods. Exploring different cultures. Tinkering with different fields of interest. Taking risks. A surplus of experiences.

So many things in their lives. Closet overflowing with clothes. Designer bags. Tons of accessories. Drawers of makeup. Random trinkets. Excessive amounts of things.

Yet, when looking at all these things. When reflecting on all these experiences. When pondering on all these accomplishments. When assessing all these relationships with all these people.. 

There's this constant feeling of a lack of satisfaction. 

A lack of fulfillment. A lack. A lack of something. A missing piece. A missing part. A missing component. Of something so significant in your life that it lingers and it bothers you whether you realize it or not. It's an uncontrollable feeling and thought that waves over your entirety. Consumes your mind, your heart, your soul. Yet you just can't seem to pinpoint it or identify what it is, that's missing. 

You have it so good in life. You have so much more than a lot of people around you. You should be happy. Wait, actually. You have to be happy. You have no excuse to not be satisfied with what you have. You have no reason to not feel fulfilled. Obviously, you are ungrateful, unappreciative, and truly don't cherish what you have and what you have experienced. So, honestly you're full of shit for complaining and feeling the way you do. 

There it is. The constant battle that I face in my daily life. I try my best to never complain and to never wish I had more in my life, when really I have all that I need. Don't get me wrong, I am ever so grateful for the many things, people, and experiences in my life and nothing can ever replace all of that. I truly cherish all that I have have been given and earned in my life and there are many moments of satisfaction and fulfillment. 

However, I cannot ignore the fact that despite it all, the moment I am alone or the moment that I don't allow myself to overthink, or even think --- those feelings are there. I keep telling myself I shouldn't feel that way, yet I've been working so hard to validate all the feelings and to be real with where I'm at and what I am feeling. I constantly fight with myself every time I tell myself I need to do more, to gain more, to experience more, etc. with the rebuttal of that I already have a good life and that should be enough. 

On the days that I don't fight with myself and I come to a full understanding and commitment to doing more, seeing more, experiencing more, more and more and more -- I start to see myself reenergizing, being uplifted, feeling more motivated, and riding along a different wavelength in life. But that ride doesn't last long and this looming feeling of not being satisfied or fulfilled with things in my life comes back to cloud over me. 

I always think my days through and assess what were moments where I was content/happy with things and when were the times that I started to feel the more unwanted and difficult feelings. And not to my surprise, they were most evident when I was alone. 

Why is that?

That's Not a Free Pass

Intention vs. Impact. I'm not expert on it, but from many life experiences both successful and challenging ones, I've gained a perspective as to what intention vs. impact does to a person.

"I didn't intend to do that".
"That wasn't my intention".
"They must of interpreted it wrong".
"It was a miscommunication".

All things I've heard and things I've said in the past and not saying that those phrases are invalid, but as I've grown and learned more I realized that that does not mean you get a free pass.

Free pass? As in, thinking that just because it wasn't your intention you can continue going on with your life not feeling bad or feeling any sense of empathy towards what impact you had on that person(s). Not intending something doesn't mean that you can say whatever you want without any conscious thought as to what it can be interpreted or internalized as. You don't get to feel like it's okay or it's whatever because that person didn't understand clearly or misunderstood what you were really trying to say. When you say those phrases, you are immediately blaming the person who was impacted badly for not understanding or receiving your intention. You immediately take away any responsibility from yourself and put the weight on the receiving person for not reacting the anticipated way. This is where you can either explain further for better understanding, or you can be more sensitive and understanding as to what the impact was and assess how you can have a conversation about it, and work towards a better, more positive impact.

People won't always understand what your true intentions or meaning is behind what you say or what you do. People won't always receive what you say easily regardless of how "nice" or "respectful" you formulated your thoughts. People won't always separate "business" from "personal" when trying to give, what you see as, "constructive criticism" or "feedback". Though they should, that's not always the case.

I've experienced and have seen many people rubbed the wrong way, becoming unmotivated and discouraged when people say things that are hurtful, but wasn't "meant" to be hurtful. People may say things with "good intentions" and may think they are saying what's "best" for someone, but there's never a true guarantee that the person receiving the information will agree. What you say can leave a harmful, toxic, and offensive impact. Just because you didn't "mean" for something to come off as aggressive, offensive, or rude doesn't mean that's not what you did. Not "meaning" something shouldn't be used as an excuse to just let something hurtful just slide by. Intention is not a free pass to go around saying things that you don't "mean" and hope for the best that people won't get hurt.

We need to be more conscious of what we say and how people react or receive what we say. We can always play scenarios in our head, rehearse a scary situation over and over, assume what the person might respond with, etc., but regardless of what you come in thinking, what comes out of the situation can be very different -- and we need to be mindful of that. When someone takes it in negatively or is hurt by it, rather than reactively negatively back --- take a step back and assess, why?

Why are they reacting that way?
I thought I said this as nicely as possible?
I don't think they understood what I was trying to say?

Why are they impacted by what was said or did even if it wasn't the intention? We can always have good intentions at heart, but it is true that people need to start acknowledging that our good intentions or what we think is good for someone to know won't always turn out so good.

Moving forward, I am just advising you to be more conscious and careful with what you say to others, knowing that there could be a surprising impact. Not saying be constantly paranoid of what you say and feeling like everyone will react badly to everything you say. Not saying that some people won't actually understand your intention. Just saying that if we make more effort to being sensitive and understanding towards others regardless of the way things are received, then we can be more conscious of how we treat others and what we say to others. This can definitely improve relations and can teach one to be more aware of how we communicate with others. Just take some time to really think and assess what you say based on the person, situation, environment, etc. prior to just spatting out whatever you want to say. This can definitely help prevent any fires in your relationships or in your work space. Let's all be more aware of our impact instead of hiding behind our intentions.

Plane Thoughts

Being on a plane can be so isolating. So restricting. So confining. You sit there for hours, disconnected from electronics with the few options to either sleep, speak, eat, or engage in an activity such as reading, writing, knitting, etc. But because of its isolation I find it so powerful in the sense that it leads to more human interaction and engagement, more time to challenge thought provoking ideas and interests, more time to disconnect from a device that brainwashes, controls, and distracts humans from utilizing real life and face to face interactions as the sole form of communication and having time pass, or simply even more time to rest for your body, heart, and mind.  

You sit there and wonder how one form of transportation is carrying so many lives, so many souls, so many hearts, to one single destination. Then that’s it. Once that plane lands these lives, these souls, these hearts go off to their next destination point — never to be seen again. These living and breathing beings around you, yet, unless you dare, you will never understand or know. The diversity, the culture, the background, the stories, and the experiences you are surrounded by as you are trapped in the confinement of an airplane either goes to waste as it disappears the moment you step foot off the airplane, or can enrich your mind and fill your heart. 

You look to your left, you look to your right. For many traveling with people they know there is that comfort of having someone by your side, but if you travel alone — like many of my travels — everyone around me are strangers. There is no comfort of speaking my mind, engaging in thorough and enticing conversations, leaning on because your head is too damn heavy to stay upright when you sleep. Or is there? 

Can people find comfort within each other on this airplane? From my experiences, I feel like most people are “minding their own business” and keeping to themselves. However, what makes me curious is that what if that person next to you wants to engage in conversation with you just as much as you do, however both of you are afraid, too shy, too timid, or too hesitant to start it off. I wonder if those around me are so bored out of their minds, and simple human interaction can make the flight that much more enjoyable, bearable, and maybe even pleasant. 

You sit there and can’t help but think and wonder. Your mind wanders aimlessly as you are given so much time to dive deep into your thoughts, the inner workings of your mind, your deepest of dreams. With this restriction, you are less consumed on whats going on in others lives through media posts, and rather have the opportunity to understand whats going on in others lives by taking the chance to engage in conversation with those around you. Yeah, talking to strangers can be scary, but for most relationships, everyone starts out as strangers anyways so why not engage in some small talk to pass time and possibly build a connection with someone that could end up being important to you or impactful to you in some form or way. Engaging in these conversations rather than being glued to your screen opens opportunities for you to possibly learn — learn more about that person, about yourself, and learn new things that you may have not known or have even thought about before.  

I am curious as to what brings them on this plane. I am curious as to where they will be going once we reach that final destination. I am curious as to who they are, what stories they have, what has shaped them and their ideologies, their perspectives, their morals, their dreams and aspirations. I am curious as to if making a friend, an acquaintance, a whatever they become can actually become lifelong, long term, and something that this confining airplane has beautifully developed in its trap of isolation from the toxicity and manipulation of electronics and media. 

With these curiosities, observations, and even experiences of talking to the people sitting next to me on an airplane, I’ve learned a lot. With that being said, I do challenge you to try — try to engage, try to be present, try to connect, and try to establish and build a relationship that could just last on that airplane or who knows, can end up being a lifelong relationship. Don’t dread not being able to use your electronic device. Don’t dread the long flight. Don’t dread having nothing to do on the airplane. Because, there is such a huge solution to all of that, it is just up to you to utilize that solution and see where it takes you. 

Sparking the Mind

Surface level conversations obviously come to end as there is no depth to it --- rather people have surface level conversations to get by, to end the conversation, speed up the process, avoid awkwardness, and to even protect themselves and who they are. It's the: "Hey, how are you"? "Good". "How are YOU"? "Good". type of conversations that are so short, so simple, so straight to the point with no depth, background, or truth behind it. I find that sometime when I have surface level conversations it is to mask what I truly feel or what I truly am experiencing for the sake of time or convenience for myself or that person, or possibly because I am not interested in talking. There's not necessarily anything wrong with having surface level conversations with people, especially depending on who you are, how willing you are to disclose information, and also who the person you are having the conversation with and what your relationship with that person is. However, what I've learned through having the most surface level conversations to the most in-depth and insightful conversations with both strangers and people close to me is that when I have the insightful conversations I come out of them learning so much about myself, them, the world, society, etc. and find it such a growing experience and it being where I gain the most knowledge. Having the conversations that are thought provoking, insightful, stimulating, and intriguing always leads to me wanting to know more, talk more, question more, and spark similar conversations with other people. Those types of conversations where though it ends due to time (for example), the conversation never really ends. There is so much more to say, so much more to think about, so much more to learn and to understand.

Insightful conversations are, as cliche as is, what I could say I live for. These conversations gets my mind going, it sparks new ideas, it brings in new perspectives, it shares different stories, and ultimately it contributes to who I am and how I continue to grow. I come out of these conversations feeling such positive energy with the urge to have the conversation with others.

It can definitely be scary having such in-depth conversations with people because you may feel vulnerable, scared, or uncomfortable with disclosing information, sharing parts of yourself you don't know or don't want to admit to/resurface, and it puts you in a position to talk about things that you don't always think or talk about. But a part of me believes that society has trained us to think and be that way (aside form own personal feelings and preferences). From my own experience and observations, society has created this "Hi, Bye" way of living and interacting with others to where you just say what you need to say and gain the information you need to know, then move on. It's not all about understanding what a person is feeling that way or why a person has become who they are based on their experiences or history. It's not about taking the time to sit down and hear someone's life story or hear someone's silenced voice. Society has built it to where conversations don't go off on tangents, and are meant to be straight forward and linear. Rather than sharing yourself and your story, the conversations you must have must always be positive, highlighting just the good things in life, and masking the pain, the challenges, the mistakes, the depth to who you are and what you've gone through. We are so trained to tell people what they want to hear, and share what we think will make people happy, but at the end of the day how is that benefiting us, helping us grow, and expanding our knowledge?

Going around telling everyone you are fine, is just constantly trying to convince yourself to either go numb to your true feelings or to train yourself that that is what you have to think and how you have to feel because if you feel otherwise there is something wrong with you or you can't feel the way you feel or society with question or judge you. Going around just asking people how they are, is yes, very considerate and nice, but if you say it so emptily and just as a formality, what's the point in that? Where is the willingness to understand someone, the willingness to dive deep into the core of someone's true and raw feelings and emotions, the willingness to give that person the time and attention that they deserve and may need? I have found that surpassing surface level conversations has opened a door for someone to talk about those chained and locked up feelings they may have shoved away or pushed aside, and now has finally been surfaced because someone is taking the time to ask, to be there, to listen, to understand. I have found that surpassing surface level conversations has shown others that time and attention that they've always wanted but never received -- and honestly everyone does deserve to be heard and acknowledged. I have found that surpassing surface level conversations has left people realizing and learning more about themselves. You never know where the conversations will go, how in-depth it will be, what will be talked about -- but taking that chance to surpass the surface is a risk that I believe is worth trying.

I'm definitely guilty of going around asking people how they are, and sometimes it is just as a formality or to reciprocate since they asked first, but I'm trying to change that into something I find more meaning and more of a way to spark the mind. "What made you happy today"? "How are you truly feeling"? "What is something that you learned today"? Yikes, sounds a bit scary to ask someone right? Scary because of what the answer may be, how long the answer may be, and scary because you may hear something you don't want to hear, but that's what I find beautiful. Rather than "How are you"?, you are asking a more open ended question that can't necessarily be answered with a single word or phrase "I'm good" or "Good". It not only catches people off guard, but it gives them time to step back, think, and assess how they are truly feeling and what they are currently experiencing. The fact that you may be hearing what you want to or don't want to hear is the beauty and mystery of digging deeper and diving into more insightful and in-depth conversations --- diminishing the chance of the conversation cutting short and being so surface level.

Quick note: asking someone how they are -- yes I'm sure you are being genuine about it and truly want to know can even be a way to spark these conversations, but sometimes I'm sure you've experienced, you get asked how you are so many times it can be draining and causes you to give such a generic response to that question. So, why not challenge yourself to change it up and ask them something that not only checks in and understands how they are doing, but can lead to very interesting and thought provoking conversations?

It feels great learning about others. How they have struggled and have overcome the struggle. How they have grown and what they have done to help them grow. How they either failed or succeeded to achieve their goals and what worked and what can be improved upon. How they have been finding themselves and their identity and what has lead to those discoveries. How they have experienced pain and how that makes them feel. How they have been feeling happy and content with life and what has contributed to that. By learning from others, you learn more about yourself. It's an opportunity to reflect on who you were, who you are, and who you can become. It helps you reflect and assess on your own mindset, perspective, and viewpoint on things and whether or not you want to stick to how you think or consider what others think and be open minded to that. It challenges you to stop putting your mind on autopilot and living in this routine of such linear thought and perspective, and to think beyond outside of the box and in between the lines of the chapters of your life. Strangers, close friends, distant family members, significant others. There is no exact person or exact standard as to who you can have an insightful and intriguing conversation with -- it's all a matter of your willingness to do so. It can be scary, uncomfortable, and awkward but I'd say try it, or at least challenge yourself to surpass the surface level conversations and dive deeper, because you may be pleasantly surprised at what you will learn, how you will feel, and what you can take out of these conversations and implement into your growth, change, and development as a person internally and in society. 

Sometimes is Meant for Yourself

Sometimes.

Sometimes you care.

Sometimes you care too much.

Sometimes you care so much..

it hurts you.

It's hard when you love and/or care about someone, and you feel like your efforts are wasted, you feel as if you're trying for nothing, you feel as if they don't appreciate you. But yet, you still continue to love and care for that someone. No matter how stubborn they are, how frustrating things can be, or even how disappointed you may be, that doesn't take away from your love and care. You have the best intentions, this is just you caring. You want to help them grow, to become stronger, to become better, to utilize their potential, to exceed their goals. You want them to be the better version of themselves. Sometimes, if you care and love about them a whole extra much, you want them to even be better and succeed more than you. 

Yeah, they way you express your love and care can be a bit overwhelming, demanding, misleading, or sometimes even uncalled for, but sometimes its because at those points you have cared and loved more than you should. Your care and love turns into pain, pain that you cannot bear, however, that doesn't change your willpower to care and love regardless. That pain wells up inside your heart and poisons your mind, yet you push yourself to try to get through to them. You are hurting, you are breaking, you are losing yourself, but that still isn't enough to defeat your love and care. 

Because, no matter how much they may hurt you, no matter how much they may not appreciate you or understand or see your good intentions, you'll still try, you'll still push, you'll still be there. You still believe in them. Even if they've lost their own hope, you still believe in them. Even if they give up on themselves, you still give them your support. Even if it tears you up inside, your love and care is so strong, that you are immune and almost numb to that pain. All you care about is them. Their success, their happiness, their well-being. 

Even if it comes off the wrong way, and that love and care comes off as anger and disrespect, it's still love and care, it's just be misunderstood. The words coming from my mouth aren't meant to sound like hatred or discouragement, but sometimes it does and I wish it didn't. It's because the pain inside me sometimes gets the best of me, but know that it never takes away from my care and love, no matter how much you hate me and are sick of me after I try to push you. 

Love and care hurts. Isn't love and care supposed to be a good thing? Sometimes if you love and care so much, you completely ignore the fact that you need to love and care about yourself, that it just ends up taking control over you and you lose yourself, and leave yourself in pain. But, that pain and hurt that I feel inside can be pushed away, because all I want to do is push you, forward and beyond, and goals and aspirations you may have or I may have. That pain and hurt that builds up in me, is broken down because I sit here still loving and caring about you, even if sometimes you hurt me, or think that I'm just ruining your life. 

That pain. That hurt. Those tears running down my face. They are all temporary. If thats what I have to face, I will because I just want to get through to you. I just want you to realize that love and care is all I bleed across my heart. Love and care is all that falls out of my mouth and are the thoughts screaming out of my head. I'm misunderstood, I'm pushy, I can be irrational, I can say things that are rude, uncalled for, unnecessary, and just straight up stupid, but regardless of what you feel from those things, I've never had nothing but good intentions. Regardless of how you feel or your own interpretations of my actions and my pushing and my thoughts, I know that I care and I love and I believe and I support and I am here for, even when you are not there for yourself. 

Yes, I am in a lot of pain, and yes, it can take over me, but after some reflection and time, I know that at the end of the day, no matter what pain I go through, it'll stay as love and care. 

Content.

I'm content. Sincerely. Genuinely. Ridiculously. Extremely. Content.

With there being various things in my life that add up to me feeling content with life as a whole, every little aspect of my life somehow feels so right now. Like everything has fallen into place.

This isn't my way of bragging about my life and saying it's so great and everything is all peachy. Because, trust me, it's not. But it's a reflection on my life, and all the obstacles, situations, people, and things that I've experienced, encountered, and faced in life that has lead to this time where I actually feel content, and can say it without hesitation or doubt. I'm now determined to focus more on the positives in my life.

I've been so far from content with so many things in my life, that the list is endless. However, I'd rather not go into detail with that because it's not my focus, nor do I want to dwell on things that lead to negativity and defeat the purpose of this post even being titled, "Content".

Anyways.

To name the few, there are some specific things I'd like to touch on that I'm sincerely content with and are the first things that pop into mind:
-M academics/career
-My relationship
-My friends
-My parents
-My mindset
-My body
-My purpose in life

As a warning, this can get quite personal and can give you some insight to my life that you've probably never known before or couldn't really picture even happening to me, but you know what. It's okay, I'm not openly exposing myself nor putting myself on blast, I'm simply just expressing my views and perspectives on how my life has been for a while now and how things have changed and developed. Hopefully though, some of this is relatable and can maybe provide some points of realization that we need to be more appreciative and aware of things, and that there are some minor details in life that do mean a lot whether we realize it or not.

These posts are long so bare with me. To those of you who want to stop now, it's okay haha. But to those of you who are being some troopers and reading my post throughly, thank you. It's extremely appreciated.

Let's begin.


PART I: Academics/Career.
Yikes, this is a rather common issue os struggle for many students of any age. I have faced that crisis where I felt like a complete failure in my academics which lead to me thinking I wouldn't get a stable job, leading to me having an unsuccessful future. I have experienced what it's like to not care about school, to want to just go out and have fun, to let homework sit and collect dust, to bullshitting my work and halfassing tests, to choosing to get boba over studying for a final, and so on. I've encountered people that were so successful and hardworking that watching them made me feel like shit and made me even more unmotivated. I've come to a point where I felt like school was pointless, there really isn't a reason for me to be here, and I won't make my parents proud. I know what it's like to have no idea what I want to focus on academically, what major I want to be, and I've felt lost and stressed. I've gone through a time period where I've failed classes, been in poor academic standing, struggled to get my grades up, and have been warned about losing the opportunity to stay in school. Crazy, scary, and almost unbelievable right? Well it happens, to many of us, and I'm here admitting to my faults in my academics.

However, over time, and definitely through college, I've finally had more of a grasp of what I want to do, or well at least what has now motivated me to be more focused on academics. Before I thought my motivation to get good grades and to do well in school was to get a good job, make lots of money, and be successful that way. Then I thought it's for my family, my parents. Don't get me wrong, I do agree to all of those, but with those motivations I still seemed to be unsuccessful academically. I realized what was wrong, I wasn't focusing or doing well in my academics because I wasn't doing it for myself, I didn't motivate myself, I didn't think I had the potential to do well, I didn't try, and I didn't find MY reason to do well in school. Yes, I want to be successful, yes I want to get a good job so I can provide for myself and my family, yes I want to make my parents proud. But the final reason that hit me hard and was when I was able to say, yes, I am doing this for myself, was when I realized that I can take what I LOVE, and what I'M PASSIONATE about, and use that as my motivation to do well.

After lots of searching, testing classes and majors out, and talking to many people, I found out good advice, learned lots of information, but still I felt confused. But, really looking deep within myself, I asked myself, what do I love? what am I passionate about? what career can I utilize my passions? Then it hit me, I want to empower the youth. How? Working within the academic system. Whether it's a teacher, superintendent, principle, college adviser, student counselor, or even that person reading your college applications, I want to do something that helps students, that gives students opportunities, that creates changes in their lives, that will lead them to making change out in their communities and in the world. I want to aim towards being in career that I get to utilize my passions, do what I love, and know that I am actually making an impact. For me, it's not about the money, the praise, the luxury, and so on. I've come to realize that I just want a career where I'm doing something for others, more specifically for the youth, the future, the ones who will take what they have learned and apply it in the real world. Education has given so much to students, to families, and to communities, that I want to work hard to be working within the education system and to give back to what has given so much to me and to many. Not everyone gets the opportunity to even be educated,  and I hate that, so damn much. Which is why I'm motivated to work hard in my academics in order to change that, to reach out to poor communities, or even go to other countries and provide students with the opportunity to learn, to grow, and to become successful. I have found MY reason to work hard in school, so that I can earn the money to be able to travel to other countries and teach, to earn money that will allow me to participate in programs that focus on educating those who are less fortunate. I have found MY reason to work hard in school so that I can get my GPA up so I can study abroad and learn about the education system in other countries, and find a way to fix our own in the United States. I'm one person, I can't do much right? Wrong. I'm one person, who is now motivated, who wants to create change whether big or small, one person who isn't afraid to share her passion, one person who is driven, one person who is focused, and one person who is content with what she wants to do within in her academics and in her future. Content. Find your motivation to do well, it'll feel good once you figure it out. No rush, but be open minded about everything.


Part II, to be posted sometime soon. 

Blocked by Emotions.

Depression.
Hurt.
Upset.
Overwhelmed.

These are a few words of evidently strong emotions that can take over a person entirely. Once one of these emotions takes over someone's mind, body, heart & soul... sometimes it seems like there's no turning back. Then and there, at that moment, these negative and strong emotions poisons someone to an extent where it could potentially scar and hurt someone for who knows how long.

From experience, feeling the emotions like the stated above, I sometimes feel hopeless, miserable, emotionless, speechless, and sometimes I feel like I want everything to end, and want all my problems to just disappear, or I should just disappear.

Sounds depressing right?

As bad as it is, it's okay. It's okay to feel this way. It's okay to feel like everything hurts, you just want to cry your eyes out, and you just feel like laying on the floor hugging yourself, wanting the day to end already. It's okay to cry to the point where it feels like you can't breathe and you've used an entire tissue box. It's okay to do something that will make you feel better, whether it's eating your emotions away, taking a walk, or even just going to sleep. It's okay to feel all these negative emotions and thoughts. What? You'd probably think I'm wrong. I'm not saying it's GOOD, I'm just saying it's okay.

It's natural, it's part of life, it's human nature. Everyone has these types of emotions so as miserable as you feel, you really aren't alone and never have to go through anything alone. If we didn't have these types of emotions how would we learn form it, grow from, become stronger, and so much more. I'm not trying to praise negativity and terrible emotions, but what I am trying to say is that having these emotions, situations, and problems can be beneficial because they can help you grow as a person, help you learn lessons, help you learn from your mistakes, and push you to move forward. Not everyone can be happy every single day, well that's just life dude. Of course you want to avoid situations and emotions like this, but if it does arise in your life, don't take it as if God is punishing you and you deserve the worse, all the pain possible.

I've been in that dark light, and I don't want to go back.

I've been in that place where I never wanted to see another day because I felt like every single day was another chapter of hell. Every page that turned in my life, felt like a never ending story where I'm the main character and every day I'd encounter problems that would get worse and worse and there seemed to be no solution or no end. Every battle would knock me down, and I felt lost and couldn't find the strength to overcome these problems and get back up again.

However, as time has gone by, I've learned from it. I've learned and benefited from overcoming problems, getting rid of negative aspects of my life, and by taking negative energy, creating it into positive energy, and having a better and healthier outlook on life. It took a damn long time, but it's okay. Nothing's wrong with you if it takes a while to "get better", but as long as you try and are fully willing to "get better" and allow the positivity to enter your life again, then things will actually improve.

This post is called "Blocked by Emotions" because it's something I really had to reflect on in my past. When I became upset, dealt with something terrible, upsetting, depressing, and so on, I seemed to always find myself shutting the world out. Shutting out people that cared for me, or if anything I just made sure no one knew something was wrong, and I was secretly hurting inside. I'd avoid making contact with anyone, and I'd just lay in my room and sulk in my feelings and tears, to the point where I almost became emotionless. Like a rock, literally. Point being, is that that was such a bad time. What was I thinking? Blocking people out because of my shitty emotions wasn't getting me anywhere which lead to another shitty day, more shitty emotions, and just everything feeling like shit. What I did was allow my emotions to take over me. It got the best of me. It flooded my mind, heart, soul, and even my body. When I allowed these negative emotions to poison me, I would get sick, and become so mentally and physically unhealthy and unstable. What. Was. I. Doing?

There became a point in my life where I decided that I could be strong, there's some strength in me, I am strong. I am. No doubt. Everyone is. There's a bump or two in the road every now and then, but it doesn't mean you aren't strong. I remember so clearly that I'd always tell myself "I'm not strong, I'm not strong. I just want to be sad forever". and such outrageous things like that. And little did I know, I was beyond wrong.

Cliche, but how else can one say it? YOU ARE STRONG. You have the strength. The mental capacity. The willpower. The fight. The courage. You have YOU. That's a list to name a few characteristics on why you can get through this, and anything and everything. Like I said, it's OKAY, to have those shitty days and feelings, but don't let your emotions block you out from so much more. From feeling better. From supportive people. From numerous resources. From positivity. From allowing yourself to be in touch with the stronger, better version of you. The moment you allow your heart, mind, soul and body to be controlled by WEAK STUPID DUMBASS EMOTIONS, is one of the moments you slowly contribute to losing yourself. If you lose yourself, who will save you? RHETORICAL QUESTION, OBVIOUSLY ITS YOU. Save yourself. It took me a while to get the hang of not sulking, being mopey and feeling like poop, but that doesn't mean I didn't learn from it, and accept my problems, and move forward.


We're humans who face all types of emotions, but we feel all these different emotions to experience different things. Good or bad, they are all stepping stones, learning lessons, ups and downs, and ways to help you grow, develop, and become a better person day in and day out.

Block out the bad emotions, and bring in the positivity.