Content.

I'm content. Sincerely. Genuinely. Ridiculously. Extremely. Content.

With there being various things in my life that add up to me feeling content with life as a whole, every little aspect of my life somehow feels so right now. Like everything has fallen into place.

This isn't my way of bragging about my life and saying it's so great and everything is all peachy. Because, trust me, it's not. But it's a reflection on my life, and all the obstacles, situations, people, and things that I've experienced, encountered, and faced in life that has lead to this time where I actually feel content, and can say it without hesitation or doubt. I'm now determined to focus more on the positives in my life.

I've been so far from content with so many things in my life, that the list is endless. However, I'd rather not go into detail with that because it's not my focus, nor do I want to dwell on things that lead to negativity and defeat the purpose of this post even being titled, "Content".

Anyways.

To name the few, there are some specific things I'd like to touch on that I'm sincerely content with and are the first things that pop into mind:
-M academics/career
-My relationship
-My friends
-My parents
-My mindset
-My body
-My purpose in life

As a warning, this can get quite personal and can give you some insight to my life that you've probably never known before or couldn't really picture even happening to me, but you know what. It's okay, I'm not openly exposing myself nor putting myself on blast, I'm simply just expressing my views and perspectives on how my life has been for a while now and how things have changed and developed. Hopefully though, some of this is relatable and can maybe provide some points of realization that we need to be more appreciative and aware of things, and that there are some minor details in life that do mean a lot whether we realize it or not.

These posts are long so bare with me. To those of you who want to stop now, it's okay haha. But to those of you who are being some troopers and reading my post throughly, thank you. It's extremely appreciated.

Let's begin.


PART I: Academics/Career.
Yikes, this is a rather common issue os struggle for many students of any age. I have faced that crisis where I felt like a complete failure in my academics which lead to me thinking I wouldn't get a stable job, leading to me having an unsuccessful future. I have experienced what it's like to not care about school, to want to just go out and have fun, to let homework sit and collect dust, to bullshitting my work and halfassing tests, to choosing to get boba over studying for a final, and so on. I've encountered people that were so successful and hardworking that watching them made me feel like shit and made me even more unmotivated. I've come to a point where I felt like school was pointless, there really isn't a reason for me to be here, and I won't make my parents proud. I know what it's like to have no idea what I want to focus on academically, what major I want to be, and I've felt lost and stressed. I've gone through a time period where I've failed classes, been in poor academic standing, struggled to get my grades up, and have been warned about losing the opportunity to stay in school. Crazy, scary, and almost unbelievable right? Well it happens, to many of us, and I'm here admitting to my faults in my academics.

However, over time, and definitely through college, I've finally had more of a grasp of what I want to do, or well at least what has now motivated me to be more focused on academics. Before I thought my motivation to get good grades and to do well in school was to get a good job, make lots of money, and be successful that way. Then I thought it's for my family, my parents. Don't get me wrong, I do agree to all of those, but with those motivations I still seemed to be unsuccessful academically. I realized what was wrong, I wasn't focusing or doing well in my academics because I wasn't doing it for myself, I didn't motivate myself, I didn't think I had the potential to do well, I didn't try, and I didn't find MY reason to do well in school. Yes, I want to be successful, yes I want to get a good job so I can provide for myself and my family, yes I want to make my parents proud. But the final reason that hit me hard and was when I was able to say, yes, I am doing this for myself, was when I realized that I can take what I LOVE, and what I'M PASSIONATE about, and use that as my motivation to do well.

After lots of searching, testing classes and majors out, and talking to many people, I found out good advice, learned lots of information, but still I felt confused. But, really looking deep within myself, I asked myself, what do I love? what am I passionate about? what career can I utilize my passions? Then it hit me, I want to empower the youth. How? Working within the academic system. Whether it's a teacher, superintendent, principle, college adviser, student counselor, or even that person reading your college applications, I want to do something that helps students, that gives students opportunities, that creates changes in their lives, that will lead them to making change out in their communities and in the world. I want to aim towards being in career that I get to utilize my passions, do what I love, and know that I am actually making an impact. For me, it's not about the money, the praise, the luxury, and so on. I've come to realize that I just want a career where I'm doing something for others, more specifically for the youth, the future, the ones who will take what they have learned and apply it in the real world. Education has given so much to students, to families, and to communities, that I want to work hard to be working within the education system and to give back to what has given so much to me and to many. Not everyone gets the opportunity to even be educated,  and I hate that, so damn much. Which is why I'm motivated to work hard in my academics in order to change that, to reach out to poor communities, or even go to other countries and provide students with the opportunity to learn, to grow, and to become successful. I have found MY reason to work hard in school, so that I can earn the money to be able to travel to other countries and teach, to earn money that will allow me to participate in programs that focus on educating those who are less fortunate. I have found MY reason to work hard in school so that I can get my GPA up so I can study abroad and learn about the education system in other countries, and find a way to fix our own in the United States. I'm one person, I can't do much right? Wrong. I'm one person, who is now motivated, who wants to create change whether big or small, one person who isn't afraid to share her passion, one person who is driven, one person who is focused, and one person who is content with what she wants to do within in her academics and in her future. Content. Find your motivation to do well, it'll feel good once you figure it out. No rush, but be open minded about everything.


Part II, to be posted sometime soon. 

Blocked by Emotions.

Depression.
Hurt.
Upset.
Overwhelmed.

These are a few words of evidently strong emotions that can take over a person entirely. Once one of these emotions takes over someone's mind, body, heart & soul... sometimes it seems like there's no turning back. Then and there, at that moment, these negative and strong emotions poisons someone to an extent where it could potentially scar and hurt someone for who knows how long.

From experience, feeling the emotions like the stated above, I sometimes feel hopeless, miserable, emotionless, speechless, and sometimes I feel like I want everything to end, and want all my problems to just disappear, or I should just disappear.

Sounds depressing right?

As bad as it is, it's okay. It's okay to feel this way. It's okay to feel like everything hurts, you just want to cry your eyes out, and you just feel like laying on the floor hugging yourself, wanting the day to end already. It's okay to cry to the point where it feels like you can't breathe and you've used an entire tissue box. It's okay to do something that will make you feel better, whether it's eating your emotions away, taking a walk, or even just going to sleep. It's okay to feel all these negative emotions and thoughts. What? You'd probably think I'm wrong. I'm not saying it's GOOD, I'm just saying it's okay.

It's natural, it's part of life, it's human nature. Everyone has these types of emotions so as miserable as you feel, you really aren't alone and never have to go through anything alone. If we didn't have these types of emotions how would we learn form it, grow from, become stronger, and so much more. I'm not trying to praise negativity and terrible emotions, but what I am trying to say is that having these emotions, situations, and problems can be beneficial because they can help you grow as a person, help you learn lessons, help you learn from your mistakes, and push you to move forward. Not everyone can be happy every single day, well that's just life dude. Of course you want to avoid situations and emotions like this, but if it does arise in your life, don't take it as if God is punishing you and you deserve the worse, all the pain possible.

I've been in that dark light, and I don't want to go back.

I've been in that place where I never wanted to see another day because I felt like every single day was another chapter of hell. Every page that turned in my life, felt like a never ending story where I'm the main character and every day I'd encounter problems that would get worse and worse and there seemed to be no solution or no end. Every battle would knock me down, and I felt lost and couldn't find the strength to overcome these problems and get back up again.

However, as time has gone by, I've learned from it. I've learned and benefited from overcoming problems, getting rid of negative aspects of my life, and by taking negative energy, creating it into positive energy, and having a better and healthier outlook on life. It took a damn long time, but it's okay. Nothing's wrong with you if it takes a while to "get better", but as long as you try and are fully willing to "get better" and allow the positivity to enter your life again, then things will actually improve.

This post is called "Blocked by Emotions" because it's something I really had to reflect on in my past. When I became upset, dealt with something terrible, upsetting, depressing, and so on, I seemed to always find myself shutting the world out. Shutting out people that cared for me, or if anything I just made sure no one knew something was wrong, and I was secretly hurting inside. I'd avoid making contact with anyone, and I'd just lay in my room and sulk in my feelings and tears, to the point where I almost became emotionless. Like a rock, literally. Point being, is that that was such a bad time. What was I thinking? Blocking people out because of my shitty emotions wasn't getting me anywhere which lead to another shitty day, more shitty emotions, and just everything feeling like shit. What I did was allow my emotions to take over me. It got the best of me. It flooded my mind, heart, soul, and even my body. When I allowed these negative emotions to poison me, I would get sick, and become so mentally and physically unhealthy and unstable. What. Was. I. Doing?

There became a point in my life where I decided that I could be strong, there's some strength in me, I am strong. I am. No doubt. Everyone is. There's a bump or two in the road every now and then, but it doesn't mean you aren't strong. I remember so clearly that I'd always tell myself "I'm not strong, I'm not strong. I just want to be sad forever". and such outrageous things like that. And little did I know, I was beyond wrong.

Cliche, but how else can one say it? YOU ARE STRONG. You have the strength. The mental capacity. The willpower. The fight. The courage. You have YOU. That's a list to name a few characteristics on why you can get through this, and anything and everything. Like I said, it's OKAY, to have those shitty days and feelings, but don't let your emotions block you out from so much more. From feeling better. From supportive people. From numerous resources. From positivity. From allowing yourself to be in touch with the stronger, better version of you. The moment you allow your heart, mind, soul and body to be controlled by WEAK STUPID DUMBASS EMOTIONS, is one of the moments you slowly contribute to losing yourself. If you lose yourself, who will save you? RHETORICAL QUESTION, OBVIOUSLY ITS YOU. Save yourself. It took me a while to get the hang of not sulking, being mopey and feeling like poop, but that doesn't mean I didn't learn from it, and accept my problems, and move forward.


We're humans who face all types of emotions, but we feel all these different emotions to experience different things. Good or bad, they are all stepping stones, learning lessons, ups and downs, and ways to help you grow, develop, and become a better person day in and day out.

Block out the bad emotions, and bring in the positivity.